Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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