Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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