peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
