FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
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Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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