just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
