My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
