she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
