apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
