Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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