She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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