the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
