I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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