Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
