oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
