I'm jealous of your bromance
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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