We won't sleep together?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
