I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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