He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
