The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This is the high leading the old right now
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
