I wish my penis had an off switch
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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