Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
