Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
