We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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