You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
