i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
