My brain says no but my pants say off.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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