Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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