i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
