Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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