im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
