We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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