I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
