remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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