Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
