I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
