Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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