I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
