You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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