Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
