Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
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