My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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