she looked like the bat from fern gully.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Floor bacon is actually really good
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