best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
