i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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