dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
