haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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