I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
