New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
