This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
