grandma shit on top of the toilet
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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