i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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